1. unfastened and 2. hugging solitude

when the situation grows
too intense

my mind defers to my heart
I think 

Oh NO, don't start
please do not allow this to become another hum drum
self inflicted drama
I am not ready for it

I never will be
there is a difference
between internal and external conflict
and there is more then meets the eye
when it comes to that difference
because internal causes external conflict
causes internal

spiraling all over the map
until you ask your self
which came first?
until you hear the clap
of thunder or that focus being pulled under

by details like loud splashing raindrops
on the sunroof
Damn I have no proof
and when it is all over
I will have been right
or you were always wrong
what
is the line
from that song
I always quote someone else
when my mind defers to my heart
because my mind was never able to recall
the emotion we recorded
like that night in bed
I thought I hit my head

your hands spun out of control
my frantic questions and fears
were swallowed along with unshed tears
collected painfully through the years

so then I am detached
I suppose unfastened
while you gently close
my eyelids with the tips of your fingers
beautiful hands, resonant sands
and I press my lips together
thinking
oh no
don't start
while I constantly allow my mind
to defer to my heart
I think I want you to stay


"hugging solitude"

he hugs solitude
framed by a cloud of dark lashes
dust flashes
fragile certainty in my words
ricocheted back into my mind

rattling around a slow realization
of what could and would never be

( he already has 4 letters from me and my yearbook)

do I give him some of the rest? put him to the test?

those eyes are always what pull me under
the secrets encoded into shrieks of silence
tearing up everything with the flame of
what I do not know

fell for one with a dangerous mind
what do I want, I stare at the question
like it is a familiar stranger

you cannot depend on intellect
to get you there
in the world where you settle for
good enough
or do not settle at all

you cannot lean on anyone
lest the wood of their patience splits and
you find yourself falling

there is nothing there, you are fucking the air
not me

someone pauses above you
cloud passing
blocks your sun
scraping the wound between unsuspecting legs
he says
he don't feel pain
he don't give a fuck

scarred flesh will always heal
you pause above someone
drunken stupor
cloud passing
you imprinted an older scar on
a bedroom floor

how am I supposed to tell him
it is unshed tears from a re-opened wound?

former formal invitation by refusal
shudders through me

say the word "slut"
I will lick the word from your lips
if you can ignore me with practiced indifference
discreetly blocking the window
painted shut where hideous light
falls like splinters we avoid

fall upon the imprint of the scar on the floor
I watch you drink it with boyish eagerness
wholeheartedly absent
unworthy of  a poisonous gift

tell me now, are u still interested?
yes I move to scare you
or keep you here
with passive strength
watch curiosity turn bitter
it tastes funny but I watch you crave the fix

I learn to regret it all
and none of it