she revisits destiny
following the path less traveled and then
her path of least resistance might make the river crooked,
some say but what do they know? and maybe crooked rivers are just misunderstood
she revisits hope
and examples really have surfaced
that give reason to believe there is reason to hope
she will evermore be the one saying
throw me the rope
she revisits trust
finding more and more reasons to extend trust
to those who are proving themselves worthy
easy to love, not quite so easy to trust
she revisits the reversal
ands sees it from all directions
in one place she stayed almost the same
tethered to old sadness and shame
in another place she flew free
complete and whole for all to celebrate and see
in yet another corner of some abstract unfolding universe
she begins a new path, combining and re-defining
designing and brightly shining
she revisits intimacy
where all is well, grounded, nurtured and nurturing
to discover intimate love in the context of one of,
if not the most
profound loves she has ever experienced
she revisits integrity
having grown more clear about how to walk
with the kind of integrity
always coveted by her higher self
it takes awareness
it takes patience
it gives peace of mind
she revisits truth
for the heart of the matter
is powerful enough
to make deep dimensions grow flatter.
Dressed in substance and matter,
her spirit seeks the whole truth
the truth she sought out so many times
while committing unfortunate crimes
against herself
calling forth this need
to reverse the numerous ways she sabotages
her very being
and
how many relate
need to undo layers of self hate
self neglect
forgot to protect
self
these needs simmering beneath the surface
she takes the path less traveled
pieces back together all that fell apart unraveled
less and less self sabotaging
put it all together now, like collaging
her way forward
a conscious evolution
of
healing
Friday, October 24, 2014
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
2001 flashback - "tell me how"
this time my scar tissue
better not be an issue
right now I desperately miss you
but my freedom is a necessity
and my arms will wait
this is so clearly fate
I never knew how it could be
I once was blind or at least lost
this will be worth it whatever the cost
I can feel that dangerous place
but I have grown to fill that empty space
just because the past didn't go anywhere
does not mean I am content to dwell there
I feel something ancient glowing from your skin
and that vibrant radiant spirit within
to not love is to not live
and I have seen too many people
walking dead inside their flesh
along that thick surface of pretend
tell me how you have managed to transcend
while so many gracelessly stomp across the surface of pretend
please
tell me
how you have managed
to transcend
better not be an issue
right now I desperately miss you
but my freedom is a necessity
and my arms will wait
this is so clearly fate
I never knew how it could be
I once was blind or at least lost
this will be worth it whatever the cost
I can feel that dangerous place
but I have grown to fill that empty space
just because the past didn't go anywhere
does not mean I am content to dwell there
I feel something ancient glowing from your skin
and that vibrant radiant spirit within
to not love is to not live
and I have seen too many people
walking dead inside their flesh
along that thick surface of pretend
tell me how you have managed to transcend
while so many gracelessly stomp across the surface of pretend
please
tell me
how you have managed
to transcend
Friday, October 10, 2014
Esoteric and Realistic Exploration- Please join me
Many besides me have already identified the nature of that which plagues American society.
I will not go over the problems but as I attempt to do often, I will stay solution oriented.
It feels as though we are on the edge of a shift in our own energy bodies that will lead to a truly and utterly healthy, fun, artistic, amazing world that a majority of us want to live in.
There is no excuse for any kind of abuse. Abuse and exploitation are not our destiny as a species. Wholeness, evolving and shifting and changing and loving and growing and letting go of that which no longer serves us is our destiny, if we claim it. We must define our destiny on the microcosmic level to the macrocosmic level.
Let us steer this planet, each one teaching another one, as we live and let live. We have always known where we are going and that we cannot get there by car, or plane or boat, we must purify from the inside out. Then we will identify the path we walk. This kind of path has never been the one chosen by a majority of people. Now we are in a situation where we must evolve more as a species or we will die by our own hands.
We need to see everyone, no exception, giving up what no longer serves humanity. What no longer serves humanity? War, bigotry, prejudiced based conflict, and many other things commonly seen in our world. What will it take to phase out these behaviors, the behaviors that keep us from uniting? They keep us from creating a reality that will serve the highest good for the most people, and for our natural environments upon which we depend for sustenance, shelter and beauty.
Ideally, an evolved society is built around mutual understanding of the gifts that each member brings to the collective uses, and this model of society has built in answers for what would be considered unnecessarily destructive tendencies. Dissent and debate are natural, healthy and part of an authentic discourse. A society that does not fear or silence debate around rules and boundaries is one that has room to grow, room to shift with the shifting of all the people involved.
There is no need for censorship when the power structures are not based on elite, or hierarchical entities. Due to the earlier stated description of an each one teach one model, we can finally start to embody and display to each other what it means to embrace a diverse reality wherein no person is expected to compromise their own self or identity or be disrespected as long as they are not threatening or disrespecting other people. I will leave it here when it comes to descriptions of how we can transform what we have into what we want. It will not be perfect, it will not be utopia, and this is because the idea of perfect and utopian places vary from person to person, group to group.
Blessed are the peacemakers.
I will not go over the problems but as I attempt to do often, I will stay solution oriented.
It feels as though we are on the edge of a shift in our own energy bodies that will lead to a truly and utterly healthy, fun, artistic, amazing world that a majority of us want to live in.
There is no excuse for any kind of abuse. Abuse and exploitation are not our destiny as a species. Wholeness, evolving and shifting and changing and loving and growing and letting go of that which no longer serves us is our destiny, if we claim it. We must define our destiny on the microcosmic level to the macrocosmic level.
Let us steer this planet, each one teaching another one, as we live and let live. We have always known where we are going and that we cannot get there by car, or plane or boat, we must purify from the inside out. Then we will identify the path we walk. This kind of path has never been the one chosen by a majority of people. Now we are in a situation where we must evolve more as a species or we will die by our own hands.
We need to see everyone, no exception, giving up what no longer serves humanity. What no longer serves humanity? War, bigotry, prejudiced based conflict, and many other things commonly seen in our world. What will it take to phase out these behaviors, the behaviors that keep us from uniting? They keep us from creating a reality that will serve the highest good for the most people, and for our natural environments upon which we depend for sustenance, shelter and beauty.
Ideally, an evolved society is built around mutual understanding of the gifts that each member brings to the collective uses, and this model of society has built in answers for what would be considered unnecessarily destructive tendencies. Dissent and debate are natural, healthy and part of an authentic discourse. A society that does not fear or silence debate around rules and boundaries is one that has room to grow, room to shift with the shifting of all the people involved.
There is no need for censorship when the power structures are not based on elite, or hierarchical entities. Due to the earlier stated description of an each one teach one model, we can finally start to embody and display to each other what it means to embrace a diverse reality wherein no person is expected to compromise their own self or identity or be disrespected as long as they are not threatening or disrespecting other people. I will leave it here when it comes to descriptions of how we can transform what we have into what we want. It will not be perfect, it will not be utopia, and this is because the idea of perfect and utopian places vary from person to person, group to group.
Blessed are the peacemakers.
planets
lifted up higher than anyone has ever been, she cast her gaze back to the planet from which she came. there was no turning back, there was no going back there was no need to. there would never be a need to, all that she had created there had been destroyed, the only choice was to go, to move on to keep moving and that was what she did now. circling the planets as she took note of all that she saw, she remembered something her mother had said when she was a small child. her mother had said. "the planets consist of all that we are made of, there is nothing in them, that is not in us." as a little girl, she had read so many books about the planets and was fascinated by them always.
she had a deep understanding of astrology and had found some scientific and pseudo scientific reasons to back up the theories about the stars. she wanted to believe that the stars were a part of her destiny but she questioned that and she questioned her destiny and the nature of her place on this planet, though being made up of all the planets.
as she circled her origins she knew she would have to generate enough energy to create a new source but at that moment she was depleted. she could search for help but she was not sure what form that help would come in. it could come in many different forms and she had not been trained to recognize the perfect form she would need to get all the way to the place she wanted to go. she knew her own needs could be complicated but she was not worried about sorting out the complications if she had the right assistance. the right help would make the complications seem less problematic and more anecdotal. she only wished she could remain anecdotal, a side note.
like her friend had said recently, it might be better to just be helpful, and leave being important to people who were less concerned with affecting change. creating the kind of change she wanted to create would be the best way to spend some time. the time that she had was always being stretched by demands that seemed very trivial.
on the first planet she could remember, life had been a very challenging experience and she was sure that she would make a pledge to go back once she had sorted out her affairs on other planets, in order to ensure that she can make things easier for the people of that place. She had so many ideas about how to do that, but very little time to work out what would need to happen for those things to happen.
and once she had a sense of how her plan would be carried out she could apply herself to the task of the present moment. nobody could tell her what to be, who to be finally, she was going to be able to develop her love for the people and living beings of each and every planet she would visit would be places that she was able to collaborate on projects that allowed her to be responsible for so much of the beauty, they had stars, she would make them shooting stars, they had constellations, she would fashion for them some kinds of beautiful stories that would weave into the constellations, and once they had the new stories that would lead their societies in a way they could only have imagined before, they would then settle into lives that made more sense.
nothing made sense at certain points and at other points all was more than crystal clear. she knew on the one hand that every moment she was living, she was blessed with the gift of life, that all who knew anything knew was incredibly precious and without it, none of existence could manifest, beings could not feel or think, creating consciousness to be what it was becoming, with a new fresh originality that could not be copied, the acts of worship so deeply joyful and sincere and with out it, she would gain the clarity that was so much more than crystalline in quality. She was aiming to build relationships between forms of consciousness that would keep the lines of communication stronger than they had ever been in any time line, yes, time was not linear, yes, time was not a thing that went from one destination, perceptions from within living beings were deceptive, she knows all of this as much as she knows anything.
she felt at times that she was responsible for lifting people and other beings into alignment with their own integrity and it was she who did this but they credited these deities with names from ancient myths, and she would not interfere because she did not need to be credited for any of the deeds she had done. taking credit for any of them would only pull her further down into the mess that was that one planet, that earth home, that she knew so well and was ready in many ways, to forget, once and for all.
she had been a part of the earth dream for many centuries and had become quite accustomed to an identity that was very much tied to the many properties of that place, but there was always a conscious part of her that knew very well her earth identities and roles were not made of the kind of substance that would endure past a certain point in her evolution. she was grateful, and honored that she had be granted so many free passages, granted so many opportunities to be liberated over and over from stories that would have held her captive in so many ways for so many corrupt reasons. she was humbled by the fact that she had been selected, or maybe that she selected herself to receive the kind of blessings reserved for spirits of very high esteem, maybe deities, maybe angels, she knows they have titles and some sort of hierarchy and perhaps at some point she will be introduced to the ultimate truth of this arrangement, but in the meantime, she had work to do.
her work ranged from the simplest, yet most profound tasks, to the multilayered, complicated ones. she feels compelled to work with those who have been piled under mountains of suffering and as she helps them cleanse and purify and simplify, she gets some benefits from being close to their deep work of transformation. it is always a kind of self transformation, and her assistance is the kind that renders her invisible in the way that people go about the collisions that they cannot really describe
she wishes for the qualities they cannot get out of their minds that poisoned the image they had of her and they would be seeing one version of her that she could not help to manage. that was the way it worked, she found, that people saw a version of her that they could not understand her the way she was wanting to be understood.
she had a deep understanding of astrology and had found some scientific and pseudo scientific reasons to back up the theories about the stars. she wanted to believe that the stars were a part of her destiny but she questioned that and she questioned her destiny and the nature of her place on this planet, though being made up of all the planets.
as she circled her origins she knew she would have to generate enough energy to create a new source but at that moment she was depleted. she could search for help but she was not sure what form that help would come in. it could come in many different forms and she had not been trained to recognize the perfect form she would need to get all the way to the place she wanted to go. she knew her own needs could be complicated but she was not worried about sorting out the complications if she had the right assistance. the right help would make the complications seem less problematic and more anecdotal. she only wished she could remain anecdotal, a side note.
like her friend had said recently, it might be better to just be helpful, and leave being important to people who were less concerned with affecting change. creating the kind of change she wanted to create would be the best way to spend some time. the time that she had was always being stretched by demands that seemed very trivial.
on the first planet she could remember, life had been a very challenging experience and she was sure that she would make a pledge to go back once she had sorted out her affairs on other planets, in order to ensure that she can make things easier for the people of that place. She had so many ideas about how to do that, but very little time to work out what would need to happen for those things to happen.
and once she had a sense of how her plan would be carried out she could apply herself to the task of the present moment. nobody could tell her what to be, who to be finally, she was going to be able to develop her love for the people and living beings of each and every planet she would visit would be places that she was able to collaborate on projects that allowed her to be responsible for so much of the beauty, they had stars, she would make them shooting stars, they had constellations, she would fashion for them some kinds of beautiful stories that would weave into the constellations, and once they had the new stories that would lead their societies in a way they could only have imagined before, they would then settle into lives that made more sense.
nothing made sense at certain points and at other points all was more than crystal clear. she knew on the one hand that every moment she was living, she was blessed with the gift of life, that all who knew anything knew was incredibly precious and without it, none of existence could manifest, beings could not feel or think, creating consciousness to be what it was becoming, with a new fresh originality that could not be copied, the acts of worship so deeply joyful and sincere and with out it, she would gain the clarity that was so much more than crystalline in quality. She was aiming to build relationships between forms of consciousness that would keep the lines of communication stronger than they had ever been in any time line, yes, time was not linear, yes, time was not a thing that went from one destination, perceptions from within living beings were deceptive, she knows all of this as much as she knows anything.
she felt at times that she was responsible for lifting people and other beings into alignment with their own integrity and it was she who did this but they credited these deities with names from ancient myths, and she would not interfere because she did not need to be credited for any of the deeds she had done. taking credit for any of them would only pull her further down into the mess that was that one planet, that earth home, that she knew so well and was ready in many ways, to forget, once and for all.
she had been a part of the earth dream for many centuries and had become quite accustomed to an identity that was very much tied to the many properties of that place, but there was always a conscious part of her that knew very well her earth identities and roles were not made of the kind of substance that would endure past a certain point in her evolution. she was grateful, and honored that she had be granted so many free passages, granted so many opportunities to be liberated over and over from stories that would have held her captive in so many ways for so many corrupt reasons. she was humbled by the fact that she had been selected, or maybe that she selected herself to receive the kind of blessings reserved for spirits of very high esteem, maybe deities, maybe angels, she knows they have titles and some sort of hierarchy and perhaps at some point she will be introduced to the ultimate truth of this arrangement, but in the meantime, she had work to do.
her work ranged from the simplest, yet most profound tasks, to the multilayered, complicated ones. she feels compelled to work with those who have been piled under mountains of suffering and as she helps them cleanse and purify and simplify, she gets some benefits from being close to their deep work of transformation. it is always a kind of self transformation, and her assistance is the kind that renders her invisible in the way that people go about the collisions that they cannot really describe
she wishes for the qualities they cannot get out of their minds that poisoned the image they had of her and they would be seeing one version of her that she could not help to manage. that was the way it worked, she found, that people saw a version of her that they could not understand her the way she was wanting to be understood.
Never underestimate the power of loneliness-song lyrics
"If I am wasting all your time this time
I guess you never learned to take
and if I am hanging on to your shade
I guess I am way beyond the pain"
-Tori Amos
the archetype of loneliness is all pervasive, in the human experience
in the light
I don't want to say it
But maybe someone has got to
You don't seem to have the courage
to see this thing through
there has been laughter
there have been tears
I am at the limit of how much
I can talk about my fears
I fought so hard for us to find a way
only to just now hear you say
It is definite
we will never be lovers in the light
in other words
Shadows are all I have
to offer you
And then you wonder why
I don't want to stay
when all I can hear now is you say
It is definite
We will never be lovers in the light
in other words
Shadows and pain are all I have
to offer you
You know I always wanted to be in the light with you
to be set free
but that was not you
that was always me
I said
that was not you
that was always me
I guess you never learned to take
and if I am hanging on to your shade
I guess I am way beyond the pain"
-Tori Amos
the archetype of loneliness is all pervasive, in the human experience
in the light
I don't want to say it
But maybe someone has got to
You don't seem to have the courage
to see this thing through
there has been laughter
there have been tears
I am at the limit of how much
I can talk about my fears
I fought so hard for us to find a way
only to just now hear you say
It is definite
we will never be lovers in the light
in other words
Shadows are all I have
to offer you
And then you wonder why
I don't want to stay
when all I can hear now is you say
It is definite
We will never be lovers in the light
in other words
Shadows and pain are all I have
to offer you
You know I always wanted to be in the light with you
to be set free
but that was not you
that was always me
I said
that was not you
that was always me
the hand you are dealt
she reached out with her
heart on her sleeve
and wondered what else she would
mistakenly believe
the cynicism is real
the past events take their toll
refusing to be defeated
she reclaims what he stole
and knows she is so much more than
the sum of those events
all the past circumstances will not dictate
her present and knowing that creating that
making it true.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
dust and rain
I will be dust I will be rain
I will be the beginning and the end of the sweetest pain
teaching you gratitude for lessons learned at the most horrific times.........
I will be the beginning and the end of the sweetest pain
teaching you gratitude for lessons learned at the most horrific times.........
turning 35 and in the meantime
the past few days or so I have cried so hard
I could not breathe well
gasping for air
tears down cheeks
desperate for understanding to come more easily
between me and him
and still
the feeling that remains in my heart and
whole abdominal region
is unsettling and indescribable
someone told me
"time will tell"
and I feel that now,
and until it tells,
time is keeping secrets
I want to rip open as quickly
as packaging covering up a desperately needed
item or tool or coveted talisman
I have half way neglected myself lately in the sense that
I usually tend to the quiet inside that I carry around as
the invisible shield I need to walk in the
craziest of worlds I was born into
35 years ago this day
and in that time I have grown numb
broken open, broken down, been built back up
praying that the stories turn out better then
what his fears project
so many fertile possibilities I need to protect
in 35 years I have searched depths
and climbed to heights
only to find the regions stretch out
infinite
and menacing
and welcoming too
contradictions arise abundantly
in the shadow where my light cannot see
and I have refused to ask you to stay with me
and still you do it
still you are by my side
it is always in you that I confide
and time will tell
about you
and me
separately
together
but until then
until it tells
it feels that those secrets are being kept
and the talisman of knowledge
must be a whole different substance
because time has its own mysterious impossible agenda
and I am 35 years into arriving into the craziest of worlds
that this is
and
I know how to hold on
and I know how to let go
and I know how to sever
myself from the need
to choose from either deed
I could not breathe well
gasping for air
tears down cheeks
desperate for understanding to come more easily
between me and him
and still
the feeling that remains in my heart and
whole abdominal region
is unsettling and indescribable
someone told me
"time will tell"
and I feel that now,
and until it tells,
time is keeping secrets
I want to rip open as quickly
as packaging covering up a desperately needed
item or tool or coveted talisman
I have half way neglected myself lately in the sense that
I usually tend to the quiet inside that I carry around as
the invisible shield I need to walk in the
craziest of worlds I was born into
35 years ago this day
and in that time I have grown numb
broken open, broken down, been built back up
praying that the stories turn out better then
what his fears project
so many fertile possibilities I need to protect
in 35 years I have searched depths
and climbed to heights
only to find the regions stretch out
infinite
and menacing
and welcoming too
contradictions arise abundantly
in the shadow where my light cannot see
and I have refused to ask you to stay with me
and still you do it
still you are by my side
it is always in you that I confide
and time will tell
about you
and me
separately
together
but until then
until it tells
it feels that those secrets are being kept
and the talisman of knowledge
must be a whole different substance
because time has its own mysterious impossible agenda
and I am 35 years into arriving into the craziest of worlds
that this is
and
I know how to hold on
and I know how to let go
and I know how to sever
myself from the need
to choose from either deed
Thursday, October 2, 2014
waves. 3 parts
part 1
take my lips and my hips
the essence of what about me is womanly
and yes that is worldly
tell me how I have fallen
for whom for what and why
then I will show you I can fly
yes tease you with visions of wings
so real it actually stings
take my fingers
drumming away on surfaces
on the poison that lingers
ask me for a mundane thought
before it would seem all that would be worthwhile
could be sold and bought
teach me of your capitalist agenda
only to find I am not much of a spenda
and you are wasting your time
with such game
so truly and utterly lame
part 2
I take two fingers
press them gentle and firm
on your soft lips
I whisper Shhhhhhhhhhh
our gazes locked
you can smell a trace of that nights perfume
and oddly it settles you into a moment of patience
In yoga asanas. especially warrior
I think "soften your gaze"
and when I do, my body is relieved
you have softened your gaze too
I smile and breathe deeply
part 3
she considers all the matter
that supposedly matters
the clutter and pieces of objects
that make up bigger objects
which represent status
in a personal or professional space
what in all of this must she face?
dreaming of rivers
she presses her eyelids shut
all these items pass away
they have shape and form until they become stardust glitter
and fade into the rushing waters of transient waves
They move toward this ocean
just as at one point soon
she will too.
take my lips and my hips
the essence of what about me is womanly
and yes that is worldly
tell me how I have fallen
for whom for what and why
then I will show you I can fly
yes tease you with visions of wings
so real it actually stings
take my fingers
drumming away on surfaces
on the poison that lingers
ask me for a mundane thought
before it would seem all that would be worthwhile
could be sold and bought
teach me of your capitalist agenda
only to find I am not much of a spenda
and you are wasting your time
with such game
so truly and utterly lame
part 2
I take two fingers
press them gentle and firm
on your soft lips
I whisper Shhhhhhhhhhh
our gazes locked
you can smell a trace of that nights perfume
and oddly it settles you into a moment of patience
In yoga asanas. especially warrior
I think "soften your gaze"
and when I do, my body is relieved
you have softened your gaze too
I smile and breathe deeply
part 3
she considers all the matter
that supposedly matters
the clutter and pieces of objects
that make up bigger objects
which represent status
in a personal or professional space
what in all of this must she face?
dreaming of rivers
she presses her eyelids shut
all these items pass away
they have shape and form until they become stardust glitter
and fade into the rushing waters of transient waves
They move toward this ocean
just as at one point soon
she will too.
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