vulnerable

every individual is of their own species
melt into atmosphere
be strong have a sense of within
be strong as you go along
thoughts are something transient
the permanence dissolves eventually
do u love me still?
how could I be more vulnerable
than this now?

permanent record

what if there is a freedom
misunderstood
a waterfall creeping back up the mountainside
a link to something forgotten
unidentified archetype
question ever present
what is the purpose of all of these
or any challenges 
if not to get stronger
if not to learn
faith is no longer a question
it is an answer
changing and developing
the dream always has the ability to shift
depending on the dreamer
depending on courage
depending on vision
and there is no such thing as a permanent record
a scare tactic
a threat, a fabrication
just like we made up money
we made up poverty so we have become
prisoners by our own hands
by our own dreams
all that exists in this control obsessed dream of reality
is temporary
we dissolve
and when we dissolve
the dream shifts over
and even what remains eventually dissolves
until the energy for a  new dream manifests
 and I have dreamed you into being
until you look at me
broken shattered from the gaze
then you are real again
human and flawed
beautiful and no less tempting
I love the contrast of your talents
against the background of sad songs
I love the transparent touch
that tells me what cannot be spoken
I love the momentary ecstatic breakthrough
when you see me
and almost slip
you almost slipped                                 

hungry pride

reading another woman's passages
of alternately beautiful and bruised long memories
peeling back into something fresh and new
what unfolded in me was sharp
pierced by newfound insight
a surprise to realize
how much I fear my body
I am scared of my own body
having hungers raw and dull like an old blade
how young to be so old
and how old to be so afraid
should I have already grown out of or into?
should I be stronger than fear
fearing every bite, the tastes dwindle
lingering like leftover love
because lust will evaporate
fingering the space left between
then and now
later on, he says, an unspecified date
but I wont trust him or his word
men irrelevant yet ever present
so many questions go unheard
irrepressible hunger for touch that nourishes
these cravings always mingle with fears
yet what I have learned throughout the years
about women's bodies
about my own body
crashes through my head out of control
shudders through my aching soul
secretly silently un-teaching the self love
secretly teaching the self hate
It is no secret
but nobody can truly tell what
is on your plate
secretly kneading like bread
that old fear creeps upon you
about how nobody loves fat women
and your flesh is your ultimate enemy
the symbol of your sinful nature
inherent in you as a woman
so you must fight your cravings
cradling desire next to temptation
and I can pinpoint the exact desire
felt in the heart programmed into the lips
of the right men who speak, fuck and kiss
what happiness must be
what happiness is painted to be so it must
or loneliness perhaps is not so bad as they say
a surprise to realize I fear my body

were you surprised too?

-Imaya


"Tired of the flesh
its trembling and yearning
like a hermit
I took refuge in words"
-Cristina Rossi

know this

when life crumbles all around you
and you stand naked and trembling
teeth and fists clenched
before the executioners and false prophets
strangers and all who have or would betray you
do not cast your gaze downward
instead look into the eye of the storm with resilience

so I say it is the strength and tenacity of your desire
that will pull you through
a will not only to live but to thrive
and strangled you might feel
suffocated or under fire

know that you are never alone
know I never leave you

my strength is in the waves pounding the shore
it is in the immense cover of the night sky
it is the bedrock which shifts to become
only a new form of stability for you to stand on

my love is in the tender tenacious miracles of creation
I am forever winking at you through the rainclouds

just as soon destroy as nurture

the earth does not love us
neither is "she" anybody's mother
nature does not love any group of people more than any other
or less or at all.
nature is indifferent about the human species
one piece of evidence for this is that nature would just as soon destroy
and kill as it would nurture support and provide
for nature these are all default modes
and they do not connect to emotion as we understand it
the human need to have a connection
to their surroundings is what bolsters this ancient reoccurring narrative
due to the fact that so many on this planet
have decided to see natural resources as primarily ways to become wealthy
regardless of long term consequences
it is clear that the need to have a story about nature that includes love and sacredness is not
universal. some argue the planet is being exploited by other life forms that bring beings from other planets to exploit humans. until claims like these have been confirmed or proven false, they are just claims.
lately when I am present in natural surroundings, I am not convinced of the much cited and referenced love. I see indifference.
and biological phenomenon.

becoming

in essence
we are all light beings
spinning
fragmented
glistening
and in these times
on this planet
we must hold tight to those who lift us up
who honor our movement toward wholeness
may whatever love you find
grow exponentially
over the years
may it unfold in waves
as you travel surfaces
and explore depths
of what it means to be together
what it means to be human
defining love
exploring love
becoming love
personified

it filled their lungs

he knocked on the door of her answers
she peers through branches and beckons
come in or leave me alone
she pleads
he plants some seeds
the rest of the galaxy forgets them
while they tended to the most important tasks
they loved and lived simply.

the first thing they noticed on the strange new planet
was the air
breathing was possible
but felt very different from what they were used to
it felt like rainbow essence
filling their lungs
cleansing
with each breath
nobody can prepare you fully for
rainbow air
she tended to get lost on these expeditions
stray from the group on purpose
some significant moments have
involved living beings
some involve just the night sky and the water

the night sky. the water.
black meets dark blue
one may not ever end or begin
maybe just enfold into each other
starlight hits the waves
reflecting into shimmering patterns
coveting a coded secret language
I can break the code
I have broken the code
when I break this code
I realize the inherent mysterious power
it holds
I know I cannot share it for to
share it would
dissipate and distort
the intentions of the great mystery
infused into the code
I cannot allow that to happen
I am so tempted to share what I feel
are symbols of the utmost beauty

nine eleven, two thousand two

different worlds collide
it is war inside
different worlds colliding
these actions are not law abiding
what are laws of man as compared to the
laws of the universe
the Great Spirit
as compared to the cosmos
we have hardly made a scratch on the vast blackboard of eternity
what are these disastrous choices we make?
why do we let blame soak any assigned enemy like lethal rain?
humanity has always been its own worst enemy?

we stand wet and muddied
in the mess of our own choices
different worlds collide
many cannot acknowledge the wars being fought within
born of ignorance
and I wonder as people gather under the stars and stripes
weeping
as they grieve and cry out
waving the red white and blue
I wonder why we go on like this
in our daily routine mundane
why go along with these wars so terribly insane?

you fit into the soul puzzle
as an answer to the unanswerable
you want to write new rules
build new schools
until the system made for the elite has spit you out into the street
your soul is in question
your life learned lessons
burning from your eyes
hands in pockets you cast a gaze down
what could you possibly do now?

what can we possibly do now?
I fit into the soul puzzle
just like you
our power is a crouched feline ready to pounce
I want to write new rules and build new schools
but they keep on and on with the evil talk
with hate filled eyes
the powers of an enemy in disguise

there never was an us and them
that is what explodes
as truth reverberates screaming
when different worlds collide
and we want to hide

nowhere to go as we pray for peace
chant for peace
cry for peace
can't find any peace
so I go inside
and inner worlds collide
but finally
there is no war there

wake up from this horrible dream we call to you
invoking your love
every human can choose to heal and to feel
and to see things as they are
every sunrise a miracle
every birth and death blessed
by the powers of spirit beyond comprehension
wake up by loving the truth and not the lie\
which says more people must die

Israel and Palestine
I invoke a greater love
like the peace symbolized by the dove

what can we possibly do now?
wake up and choose peace
return to the way

that love always intended for us.

give

I want to bless you with words
sound vowels and meaning
all flowing from ultimate source

give me your hand
I will trace the lines and know

give me your gaze
i will look deep and see clearly

give me your time
i will make you rich with love

all we have are gifts of divine art.

talisman

she dreams an old future
rising like steam from cement
the way you can see the air
on a really hot day
her struggle began
long ago
and this dream pulls at her
mortal boundaries
knowing a soul is eternal
but she is a temporary being
drawn by the hand of eternity
vessel for unlimited potential
her soul is a dream
and the flesh is a dream
but all the wisdom in this world
won't quench her mind
ever expanding universe mind
and to walk with compassion
like a talisman in her pocket
walk with the highest compassion
a human could possess
touch each being with healing hands
making choices to grow every chance she gets
no more addiction to suffering
this lifetime she will reach Nirvana
create heaven on earth
channeling all that her ancestors ever learned
through advanced meditation
but this gift for ascension
did she always have this?
no, and all the wisdom in the world
still won't quench her ever expanding mind

like river to ocean

fire force of heaven's message in
angel code
water gates flood power gather speed
earth treasures rock upon soil
place of rest
breeze transfer
the air is a stream
chain unbroken
words ever unspoken
plan unraveling at inception
over before it began
creation never happened
parallel existence floats by
ship is passing
sail is high
we search for truth
only to die
the end gives away
like river to ocean
water is real unlike life

colors swimming through light

desire to create, desire to destroy
messages lost amid rubble
her hands are dusty from sorting through it
sorting through the past
her memory is clouded
when he speaks to her
the story is lost amid noise
noise drowning out silence
but silence sneaks back in
filling her thoughts
noise has drowned her
silence creeps in again
hands dusty memory clouded
and the crowds are pollution as movement
colors swimming through light
she is seduced by silence
and the dance along the wind
carries her like a leaf
raindrops blown backward

his words are so like his hands
soothing in a magical way
her story has no boundaries
limitation or end and it never began
or is constantly unfolding
the lotus revelation
of consciousness
the years past are gone like sand
swept from her cheek
while people pass by like seconds
on the clock
like clockwork
jealousy stirs up dust
emotions uncovered gather like mud at the bottom
of the lake
what will it take to grow again?
what must she do to land from a journey so high
so inescapably dangerous
any mother would cry and protest
she leans into the breeze
guided by spirits she would never
speak of
to you

thunder us awake

fast across the sky
closer to the moon
dreams like lightening
thunder us awake
only to dream new depths
night secretly whispers
into a dance of becoming
where boundaries are blessed
this spirit truth
is where we move into
and live

moon child

amidst the random faces and images which swarm through my dreams
I latch onto a few particular ones
the most unlikely it always seems
I wish could grasp them in my fingers
to study and savor
and when I awake a trace of one lingers
but once the sunlight stampedes into my room
rudely shattering my dream with the intrusion
the stories always end abruptly in some premature and curious conclusion
I wake to find my precious dreams scattered and lost
never to be retrieved in their original form
washed away as if swallowed by a hungry storm
so in my bitter disappointment
turning over in my bed, burying my face in the pillow
I hide my weary head

permanent laws

you are nagging at the back of my mind
tapping into my subconscious
making it conscious
whimpering in the ragged corners
and back pockets of my awareness
still I am
part of this grass at last
content with my flaws which are permanent laws
of nature
I spill words like chevron spills oil
polluting paper and soil
words pulsating through ink veins
onto dead fibers of processed trees
now I am part of the grass
at last

both as well as neither one

air
fire
water
earth
you have known them
since birth
and you know them until
death
the here after
and forever after like my panicked laughter
which you cradled and held
simply because it was me
I write what I know
and leave the rest to the universe to rehearse
playing out its ancient songs
like an old tired juke box
through scenes of distress and arrested hope
the dope
the escape
the many forms of rape
who is not a victim?
who is not a survivor?
I am both as well as neither one
I die with the sun, I flood with the rain
I remember all flavors of pain
belonging to me simply because I am you
fire water earth air

wind

I watch her voice bleed tears
rain falls as a warning
I beg and whisper to the clouds
cover comfort soothe my fragile mind of steel

she reopens to feel
you enclose her in your arms
saying all the right things
until she finds her wings
sailing off on the wind without you

narrow margin

basking in the glowing heat of your love
like embers of a mellowed fire
wallowing the reflection of my growing fulfillment
I notice an unmarked exit dangerously close to my comfort
and this confidence in your steadfast companionship is growing
freedom is a state of mind
and being trapped is just that
while feeling alternately free and trapped by my own longings
I dive into the pool of transparent waters
reveal smooth stones below

from 2001. the story of the curse.

she made her way down the familiar street, warily and today she was tense.
she glanced down each side street absently, taking in but not really noticing the trash strewn alleys and graffiti.

Beneath the symbols sprayed on the walls and the stench of piss, beer and poverty lay something much more disturbing. the symptoms - violence, drinking, drugs were all surface results of much deeper problems. her mind skittered carelessly over this reality, she was preoccupied by the gazes following her and nasty energy as she walked and she was absorbed in her own thoughts.

someone hissed some words at her in Spanish and she felt a flood of discomfort wash over her. "fuck you" she mumbled under her breath, staring straight ahead as she strode faster.

she could feel the heat rising to her cheeks, an unpleasant combination of anger, humiliation and other feelings she couldn't describe.

tension had spread through her body, now she was clenching her teeth and fists, cheeks burning, desperately wishing she had worn something less form fitting. she was approaching a group of young men who were talking, laughing leaning against a wall. as soon as their eyes fell on her, they hushed.

"psst, mamacita..."
"hey gorgeous, why you look so mad?"
"lemme talk to you a minute.."

several of them tried to talk to her but her gaze was focused forward and she didn't even glance at them until one guy stepped in her path, stopping her.

he was taller than her, he wore baggy dark clothing, looking clean and polished and he smelled of cologne and lies. he was good looking in a dangerous dishonest way. she stared into his eyes and did not smile.

"get out of my way" her voice was low and serious. a slow, wicked grin spread across his dark, handsome face. he stared back at her, his eyes heavy lidded, reminding her of some devilish animal.
"you forgot to say please" his voice was teasing and despite her defenses and awareness that he was probably a very unsafe person, she found an erotic quality in his eyes, voice and movements.

they stood for a few moments, locked in a staring battle and for both of them, the world around them fell away. she held her ground and he held his.

finally, she spoke again. "I need to get by. will you move now?" her voice came out gentler than she intended so she tried to compensate by folding her arms against her chest and attaining what she hoped was a tougher stance.

he seemed amused by her and stayed put. testing her limits. she tried to push past him but he blocked her, "ok this is not cute, let me go" her voice was serious again and panic edged. would he hurt her? a voice in her said he might, but might not...he laughed softly and stepped aside.

she started to move forward but he grabbed her arm. "what the fuck?" she said sharply. she was about to scream when all his friends who had been standing around watching them disappeared behind the corner, leaving her alone with this man. his grip tightened on her arm and his eyes never left her face.

there was nobody else on the street and she felt like her vocal cord had been cut. she tried to yell for help but all that came out was a tiny gasp. her gaze darted around wildly but she was intensely aware of his eyes and slow grin. suddenly she relaxed. her muscles went loose and her expression shifted into a calm one. she thinks-- he wants fear, so I won't give that to him. he pulls her onto a side street.

"I knew you wanted to be alone, I can tell by how you look at me." she did not respond. 'play dead' she thought.

her eyelids hardly fluttered. his hands moved toward her when, quick as a flash, her knee went straight to his crotch, he doubled over, groaning. she kicked him with all her strength and her fists pounded him. he couldn't speak, she found her voice.

"Don't you ever try this with another woman, do you hear me, you fucking coward?"

her voice was razor edged, her stance rock solid. "if you ever hurt me or get in my space uninvited or that of any other woman, I will put a curse on you that will make you wish you were dead"

her adrenaline was pumping and she knew she better get away fast. within, seconds, she disappeared behind the corner.

why I came here

great mother
I lose my dreams
great mother
when I sleep I cannot dream

their hands and eyes are poison to me
great mother
they have taken you from me
great mother

with no gratitude
no appreciation
great mother

that is not why I came here
great mother
you gave me life
you breathed into my vessel
that I might be free and whole
great mother

I became stuck in illusion
great mother
every time I grasp a moment of peace
or quiet inside me
great mother
I feel them approach intending to persecute me
great mother

I don't want this anymore
rid me of parasitic venom
great mother
take it away, I am your daughter

my tears your salt
my bones your design
great mother
I want to be alive and awake

enough to make it clear
why I came here

watching (from 2002)

I observed his silent movements. He made the most noise when he did not speak at all. the most anguishing yet fascinating thing about him was that he could slip into the spaces people left gaping open and somehow remained obscure.

I watched people ignore him. I watched them make fun of him. I watched pain pulsate between his temples and become laughter. his heart was like a vacuum stuck on reverse so that everything that was sucked in got spewed out with the same violent force it had been sucked in with.
I watched him get angry

I am the one who sucks the venom out of the wound, but I have nowhere to spit it out. so I swallow. only I never really swallow. I watch.

I started writing pages of poems about love for him but I wonder now if it was not just a pretentious infatuation. I was convinced it felt like some form of love. It was irritating how he thought everyone was drawn to him all the time. People did not really see him through the clouds of their own confusion. If they did see him, they would stumble first on his brokenness and then the absurdity of his blissfully detached attitude. It helped that he was constantly smoking weed, leaving him blurry eyed and nonchalant. I watched the struggle.

When I think of his religious convictions, it seems to be laid out for you, Christ died for you, because you are a worthless sinner, you must work to redeem yourself in his holy eyes all the time. So it is terribly convenient then, to screw up your life and blame it on the devil, isn't it? We argued about many things.

When a soul chooses a body it may not recall the intense attachment that this experience can bring and if the soul is old perhaps it reconsiders life in the flesh upon remembering. It is unbearable to think of losing the treasure of all these kinds of companionship that are offered on earth.

pondering this prayer

for god so loved the world
that he gave her a child
his star seed burst into her womb
her sacred wound
and never mind the human race
she thought as she spun on her axis
never mind all that
she breathed heavy and contracted
pregnancy came to labor came to birth
and there he was in all his glory
how proud the world was, as mother of this child
never mind the human race
she thought
I will continue to feed and care for them as though they were my children
poor abandoned creatures as they are
for she so loved god
and he so loved the world
she kept right on spinning on her axis
raising the human family
feeding them with her bounty
giving them shelter from storms
shade from the heat of the sun
she nourished their bodies
meanwhile father god and his only son
related to the people
as the world spun on her axis
she noticed the prayers of the people
"oh father in heaven" they sang
and she watched him smile
drunk on their admiration

she pondered this prayer and kept moving
for god so loved the world
and she so loved god

phoenix song

now we have arisen from a deep foam mattress sleep
while wide awake and drowning deep
becoming mermaid nymphs
drowning in unfamiliar oxygen
we were formed languid and lovely
began testing our strength
pushing hard
against those nasty demons
stealing out of every corner
from ancient nightmares
I will push them
into the walls safely
before they consume our full moon
we conquer them with delight
slowly remembering how to fight
the most ferocious of fears
while running from the sea
I forgot my tears
and we fell upon forbidden shores
watching demons sink back down into dust
while swirling sun sent colors must
swim out of focus
and clouds are stretch marks
covering the sky
where space is most vulnerable
I have no word for good bye

shadow swell

my heart swells like moon tides
rapid waters flash past
still mountains are constant
in their patient silence
fire flames lick my wounds

and hollow boned birds rest on the breeze
tilting this way and that
phantom necessity of your love
wears me as a cloak
my words are veiled by your shadow

pointing at the moon

"the student can study the Buddha, i.e. the finger pointing at the moon, or what the Buddha taught, i.e. the moon"

I understand everything as poetry
equal parts truth and illusion
including academic subjects
directions to the beach
your latest litany of complaints
all of it is metaphor
what is it all for?
only some is art worthy
and well...as for you?

you wish to rise above it all into the stars
so many fingers pointing at the moon hurts me too
so we laugh
still breathing in when there is beauty
breathing out
when it is
somewhat safe.

the subject of you

in this decidedly un academic pursuit
we ravage and loot
the dire strait of our collective mind
complaining to the sky
channels of distorted thought pour into hollow words
that stream from our lips attach to my hips
there seems to be no point to you
nothing more to do with you to say to you
the night begs for attention but the moon is false
chains of preoccupation outlast chains of solitude
yes I will
find some mates to relieve the pressure of a tightrope mind
destined to be forgotten
momentarily and then remembered into greatness
and perpetually so
frustrated that formulas dictate action
not giving credit where credit is due
becomes a daily crime
and this body language never shuts up
love for the human race fails to make it into everyday speech
cautious no more with word to the page
listless denial questionable rage
how perfect, these moments
how lucky I am to have everything
knowing everything has me
and there she is
her preoccupation with misguided perceptions
of herself are adorable
watching her as trees must as birds do
in the sense that I am an outsider
to her inner experience
remaining asexually aligned with the spirit of no name
the muse in her forces me to speak
when I have drained language of original meaning
and I see the abuse of life starts with
complaining about nothing
while the rain fell in sheets
tears had not fallen in weeks
I gaze at you
with your mess staring me in the face
I can smile while u walk away
I hate how it must end for now
all caught up in maybe
maybe you could fabricate us a future
design construct and produce
a possibility of us together
only this time you could understand
the perfection presently that had potential to
expand exponentially
yet you couldn't didn't wouldn't
so
I am broken anxious alive
resolved to smile as you walk away
sandpaper memories
create landfill for future thought
this day is unlike any other
putting words in poetry code
I unleash a smile on you
taken aback you laugh
the story is written ever so slightly
every time our eyes meet
I want to read it
I want to meet it
silenced melancholy pours from my hair
dripping from neglect
I could teach advanced classes on the subject of you
and your energy is projected in a million dangerous rainbows
going every which way
fact fantasy fiction
non fiction in your diction
be merciful, if only to me
until Jupiter can save us from the mess of our own theories
predictions ring with truth from my peers
and I have been holding back for years
If only I could quantify sincerity and measure it into small doses
then I might not be here
craving a new language
with no patience to learn

landing somewhere

1.

I feel your tightrope breath
pressed against my heart

and I fell for you first
but you let me fall
with intentions of seeing me land
somewhere soft and safe
where nothing would burn or chafe

and now once again
I feel your tightrope breath
pressed against my heart
asking to hear my voice giving me
very little choice

2.

she woke up one day
one with the creator
broke as ever
but no longer stuck in paralyzed fear
broke but in balance
broke but in step
broke but breaking even
broke but getting fixed
not fixed up
but one with the creator
she had taken for granted
taken for a ride
buried inside
she woke one day
to find that new shirt fit her
like a glove
like the essence of love
like a damn near perfect hug
and new blessings spill from her lips
that had been pressed together
contemplating the merging of this spirit whose infinite reach
had started at her toes
worked its way to her nose
until she could smell freedom
and it was sweeter than ever
because fiction laced reality
had been holding her hand
until 20 seconds and 3 lifetimes later
it was finally time to land

speak

delicious moments on a cold planet
seasons wrap around earth
and your voice trembles
in your voice is a tremor
like earth quivers
this planet is a mother
the salt of her oceans are purifying
and our dust bone bodies
are tangled up in temporary chaos

until the worship manifesto of your tongue
stops me in my tracks
and I wonder
if I stacked up all the previous days
of isolation and desperation and tossed them out the window?
what would we be left with?
stillness or intensity?
channels open up to swallow you
what kind of world will follow you?


speak from a place infinite
speak from loving kindness
and that is how I will recognize you

release struggles

distillation of a demonstration
dueling forces create a complication
oversight in some creation formation
release struggles like condensation
so we may increase elation

sub text

I will not give you more power over me than I can afford to lose.

after she says this to him, he looks at her quizzically.

why would I take more than my share? he asks her, meeting her gaze.

that is sort of a silly question. she responds. it's kind of what people do. maybe not intentionally but with some consistency.

maybe I am not typical. he responds calmly. maybe I am not ordinary. maybe I will exceed your expectations....

I cannot afford to get my hopes up.

if u cannot afford to risk vulnerability, you are not then ready to receive what you might be rewarded with if u did risk it.

thanks for the heads up.

blur the lines

unfolding a secret rapture
my song set to your dance
and I was born in the eye of the storm
your focus helped lead me along this path
blessings to behold
and if I ask too much
will you still answer
a short distance to your refusals
within the proximity of love
and reckless abandon
I weep
from within the hurricane
what have you built for me?
I stand alone
amidst thousands all peering into the angry ocean
alone, I whisper
never abuse my trust
this warning breathes fire


my swollen eyes bleed crystal tears
and you stand still
claiming brokenness
the nomad
the saint
the martyr
my love
my guardian
in times of unthinkable danger, my angels
speak in codes
familiar to you
but still you cannot
decipher messages
directly sent
we blur the lines
between mortal and immortal
shapeshift through realms with untold powers
dripping from overflowing pockets
this black stone
was once
your mother