the past few days or so I have cried so hard
I could not breathe well
gasping for air
tears down cheeks
desperate for understanding to come more easily
between me and him
and still
the feeling that remains in my heart and
whole abdominal region
is unsettling and indescribable
someone told me
"time will tell"
and I feel that now,
and until it tells,
time is keeping secrets
I want to rip open as quickly
as packaging covering up a desperately needed
item or tool or coveted talisman
I have half way neglected myself lately in the sense that
I usually tend to the quiet inside that I carry around as
the invisible shield I need to walk in the
craziest of worlds I was born into
35 years ago this day
and in that time I have grown numb
broken open, broken down, been built back up
praying that the stories turn out better then
what his fears project
so many fertile possibilities I need to protect
in 35 years I have searched depths
and climbed to heights
only to find the regions stretch out
infinite
and menacing
and welcoming too
contradictions arise abundantly
in the shadow where my light cannot see
and I have refused to ask you to stay with me
and still you do it
still you are by my side
it is always in you that I confide
and time will tell
about you
and me
separately
together
but until then
until it tells
it feels that those secrets are being kept
and the talisman of knowledge
must be a whole different substance
because time has its own mysterious impossible agenda
and I am 35 years into arriving into the craziest of worlds
that this is
and
I know how to hold on
and I know how to let go
and I know how to sever
myself from the need
to choose from either deed
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