walk away 2014

I remember the first piece I saw you perform
at the open mic in the lower height
where we first made contact
it was entitled "statistics"
and you were making strong statements about
the overwhelming diagnosis epidemic
how children all seemed to be considered to have disorders now
what about indigo? what about crystal?
you hated when cell phones took over
you told me years later how you cried
at the switch the culture made from
human relating to human, face to face
to cold, disconnected technology oriented
fast paced consumer capitalism
you ranted about so many things
I would listen
and agree.
I assumed we were a similar kind of empathic fierce poetess...
I would speak my mind too...
and we drifted after that first meeting
for years...

Until I walked by the outside benches and tables
at a Berkeley food market
and you called out
"Imaya!?"
I sat down and we caught up. you were holding the journal that
we agreed to write to each other in,
I mentioned I had a c.d. you had made
we seemed to be rekindling the friendship.
we discussed how hard it was to make deep connections
with women our age in the Bay Area.
we lamented this fact, and I was fooled into thinking
we found solace in the friendship we were building together.

you called me up in tears
(how many times?)
just hearing my voice helped
or so you said
I had no reason to question your sincerity
you were on fire about the patriarchy
you spoke ferociously about rape culture
this was what I used to determine your worldview
but worldview does not make up
the most critical ingredients of friendship
so when I was sexually assaulted
I called you
needing your voice to help
and you had no time for me
I had to send you an email after some time had passed
telling you how I felt you had not shown up
which you denied
and then told me you had just decided I was fine
and gone on with whatever else you needed to do
that was the beginning of the dissolution for me
to realize I had to run after you to get your attention
after being sexually assaulted, wait, was it not you
who gave me Eve Ensler's book "in the body of this world"
raving about how she told the story of women who suffered
and survived all kinds of assaults
and yet here I am, needing companionship, sisterhood,
and I struggled to move past that
people make mistakes
it is not worth describing those last few texts we sent
to each other
nor is it necessary to continue resenting
what I now realize was apparently a huge
misunderstanding
and I am so sorry I misunderstood
I thought there was basic respect
between us, enough so that
were we to go our separate ways, there would
be a legit understanding of why
so I have to create my own closure
having strange dreams as my psyche works out
how painful it is to be abruptly abandoned by
someone I let in so incredibly close to
the warmth I provide those in my inner circles
and it hurts worse than those experiences
with the men I dated and told you about
because you were the one I truly trusted
and that seems to have been
the main ingredient in this misunderstanding
trust was not warranted
trust was not appropriate
trust was trampled on
and yeah, it is hard to make deep connections with
women our age in the Bay Area
and the sacred covenant I had created in my heart
for the sisterhood I had hoped we were forging
has all but disappeared
remnants of it on the ethers
so as I always do, I release you, I release me
wish for nothing but
your healing, happiness, peace and freedom
and as I always do
I keep the faith
that this sort of lesson
will bolster my confidence
to see through people when they are showing
certain kinds of true colors
that indicate
I should walk away
before being
tossed away
and my life
will get better
with each step
toward new
and actual authentic
experiences....