i love you/ let go

perhaps there is more of a reason we choose fiction, besides the story we tell ourselves about the freedom in writing fiction. there is that, there is the starting from scratch. there is the absence of trying to stay true to moments past, that which has already gone on, and the absurd pressure we may put upon ourselves to be utterly accurate. in fact, once moments and experiences have gone down, we are stuck with only the memories and memories can be so much more of a betrayal than we ever could really know.

I paint with a broad brush when I write non fiction. the tiny detailed brushes must be reserved for the most accurate of creations and those seem to be of the fiction variety. I cannot re-create the nuances of the real world, the inner experiences. some writers seem to be able to but then again, how would we provide evidence that they are not also adding fiction to the portrayals of what was? We would never know if they were, since memories are composed of glimpses and strained views, and our minds fill in the rest.

sitting at two thirds of the way up the hill in the car, I have only words to map out what I mean, just like I have only words to describe the night we were there. Words seem to fall incredibly short when it comes to the artistic rendering. perhaps a dance would help, choreographed to tell it with a subtle vision. perhaps a song, a painting, a sculpture. one would need to let go expectations of all the rules about storytelling. one must let go all the reasons and rules funneled into our brains about how we breathe life into a memory. past, present and future all run together in swirled colors and whispered intentions.

all of this could start your heart, stop your breath, become intertwined with your limbs. the vessel through which all this comes begs of you, do not stop trying to understand, do not stop swishing around in the pools and rivers and lakes of this devotional mess. to understand it is to liberate the creator of it. to keep trying is to pray with him or her or them, to keep it going until all meanings have been salvaged, all intentions have been properly aligned.