I want to see your voice.

(developing identity within and without mainstream culture)

love is the one true identity
maybe there is only one kind of love
with different kinds of light thrown on it
nothing can alter the content, only the appearance

inevitable.

shattering the mold they made for you
you take your time
getting back into your own skin
finding new ways to fit in
and then breaking out of those strange self inflicted molds
that seem to become inevitable
when navigating human society
what feels like a prison to you is second nature to the next person
what looks like a prism to you creates fear in the next person
swimming in a mainstream current
looking for an alternative tributary
that will send you into rivers and lakes that purify and cleanse
water sources that do not contain the kind of toxins so pervasive
you can no longer see or feel what they are doing to you
or acknowledge them for the poison they truly are

 "Sacred Spaces?"

There are ongoing stages of development in this human journey each of us has undertaken. One stage typically leads to another but often, the stages are overlapping. We have complex experiences that result in our identification with a particular set of stories. 

When I was a child, my family celebrated Summer Solstice and Winter Solstice on the beach in San Francisco. These events were called rituals, and the people leading them claimed to create "sacred space." This concept was one I carried with me for much of childhood, adolescence and into adulthood. Over time, I learned that creating sacred space was something that people did to change how they felt within the mundane world. Supposedly this was an act of magic, and the magical protection this created was potentially powerful and was believed by some to work against forces that harm and in favor of forces that help us.

As soon as I gave it some thought, which did not happen until adulthood, I realized I did not believe in this supposed magic that people were working with, although I really wanted to. I wanted to believe that sacred space is different from any other space and that when people call on deities, they really do come through. Yet nothing in my life would support that claim. In fact, to this day, protection magic has seemed to be the weakest I know of. Unless, I still do not understand how it works and I am doing it all wrong. That is possible.

All this to say, the act of creating sacred space and the fact that I know how to go through the motions to do it remains a huge part of who I am, what I know and how I move throught the world. This sort of exposure to ritual shapes the worldview of the person that was exposed. I struggle with the urge to offer it as a service.

The service would be the act of teaching people how to create sacred space for themselves to perform rituals for healing, childbirth, rites of passage or any other purpose you can think of. So it is interwoven into my identity within the mainstream culture I live in and yet the part of me that still questions the validity and legitimacy of this sort of religious action is very loud inside, virtually screaming her discontent with the claims that people make about their ritual spaces, safe spaces and sacred spaces. I wonder how they can think that their magical thinking, considered a disorder by some, will really protect them or help them? On the other hand, what else can we do? We must attempt to break up the monotony of our days and lives with a sense that we can affect the world and we are not simply being effected by the world. Does it not go both ways and if so, can our intentions create more than just wishful thinking in our atmosphere?


Crisis of Faith; Crisis of Identity

It may seem to some to be an exagerration, an overly dramatic characterization to call this state of mind a Crisis. It all depends on how you define the term. In my mind, the absence of knowing, the huge question mark looming over every day, every moment, can feel like a crisis. It can feel
un-ending, and when there is no end in sight to a certain phase, this can cause anxiety.

People identify by their faith, it connects them to their culture, it adheres them to a familiar origin. When I was a teenager, I was in a Math class and got into a conversation with another student who said she was Muslim and she was asking me what I believe, and what I practice. I told her as well as I could about the four elements we consider sacred, the Four Directions and I might have mentioned the Goddess, which did not sit well. By the end of the conversation, she was so frustrated she was almost yelling at me. "But where is the God? You do not believe in God? Why is there no God? You don't believe in anything." This was the essence of what she said to me. We were not even 18 yet, but had learned that divisions occur quickly when it comes to what you claim to believe and identities are built upon these divisions. It is as if separating yourself from those who see it differently helps you design your own superiority for seeing it the way you do.

ugly duckling syndrome

she never thought she was pretty enough. she did not feel smart enough, she was never Enough.
no matter what image she projected to the world, she was always feeling less-than.

this is a common problem for a vast number of women and girls. it transcends, race, class, education level, and so on. it transcends all the categories that usually separate people. it is a problem of epidemic proportions.

the low self esteem/ugly duckling dilemma continues to show up in adult life too. and it affects the dating scene, in a number of ways. if a woman has not deeply and thoroughly begun to believe in her own self worth and done the work of deciding how she deserves to be treated, which of course, connects to how she treats others and herself, she is often stuck in patterns of miserable dynamics lacking reciprocity. confidence is sexy, and on some level, her date can feel she lacks confidence. so, even if she has tangible outer beauty, the deeper knowing does not shine through, because it is not there.

yes, much of this can apply to men, but for the purpose of this piece, i am focusing on women.

most social scenes are full of snap judgements and harsh opinions. when the situation deals with someone who has not healed a great deal of their own wounds and are exhibiting behavior that reflects this, more often than not, they are met with condemnation and criticism rather than compassion. i state this observation to draw attention to the social circles and dating scenes that we could have, we could manifest, that are possible, but would require a big shift from what we are all used to.

i mentioned to a friend recently that i left a certain social circle once it became clear that the two acceptable emotional states when everyone got together were "neutral" or "happy" and variations of these two states. clearly, the human emotional spectrum is much more diverse and in order to be engaged with friends in sincere ways, it is critical to have room for more than those options. when it comes to how women exhibit behaviors that indicate they feel unworthy or love, attention, affection, sex, honesty, integrity and so on, instead of being harsh on them, we could approach these matters in much more considerate ways.

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Lose the Comparison, Lose the Competition, Gain the benefit of Seeing Artists Clearly

here is the concept:
it is never necessary to compare yourself or your work to anyone else. doing so defeats the purpose of allowing for your own self expression.

 the pain that comes from those comparisons is not worth whatever benefits you might think you get from comparing yourself. in order to get our work out there into the world, as artists, we need on some level, to feel it will be recieved by an audience who can see us relatively clearly. when there are constant comparisons going on, it is difficult to take in the full message of one piece by one artist, and the airwaves are full of static, people analyzing and juxtaposing one artist next to another.

visioning:
unless we can find a way to compare works of art and self expression that does not pit people against each other in counter productive competition, we need to lose the competitive comparison we are so used to and at the same time, so sick of.
the competitive urges that arise in us are natural, they are part of our genetic makeup. it serves an evolutionary purpose to compete with others for resources in order to secure your lineage a survival path. but when it comes to the arts, such competition hinders true creative expression. instead we are  focused on what the person has created not because we want to understand them but because we wonder if we or another artist can do better than what they have done, which gets in the way of fully hearing, witnessing, listening, understanding and digesting that which may have been a labor of love from that artist or group. when it comes to competing as a natural urge, the healthier, happier option is to compete with yourself, artistically. You can challenge yourself to create even more satisfying work as you grow and learn from mistakes and overcome challenges along the way. This competition of self against self will only push you further so that the work of others which might seem overwhelmingly different and overwhelmingly better will not be an issue. It is theirs and what you do is yours. Making that distinction will serve you well.